Addiction-Recovery Highs-n-Lows

In my latest attempts to recover from my addiction, I have been clean for a day now, it’s after midnight (actually 1 in the morning), so I have been able to live through more than 24 hours without taking any kind of drugs. I didn’t do anything else that was great today but as I have been told by recovering addicts everywhere, each day lived clean is a successful day no matter what and so I am happy about being successful today :-). I didn’t feel great today nor did I feel absolutely terrible, this was one of those days when you run on autopilot, killing time watching TV, surfing on the web, reading etc etc. You might be surprised I am not whining about my terrible withdrawals but that is because I don’t find it too difficult at all.

As far as withdrawals from Codeine go, they aren’t that bad at all for me, every person is at least somewhat different and though people rave about how bad the withdrawals are, for me, they are very very bearable, I just feel very tired and have pains in my body muscles, some hair raising anxiety, severe boredom and mood swings and I often start sobbing badly at the drop of a hat during this first week of not taking codeine (not that I want to, my male ego tells me to be a man and don’t cry like a sissy but at times, holding back the tears just isn’t possible for me during this period.) The emotional/mental aspect of it is sometimes difficult but then all of the crying also makes you feel light afterward.

What gets me every time is giving in to the compulsive cravings (if you do not know how that works and how addiction is a ‘disease’, please visit the link about compulsive cravings)

They may also include the scheming for ways of using more which by now, my brain does secretively in some hidden corner of my un-conscious mind on it’s own, when done, it just sends me the finished well thought out plan; the argument that ‘I use just this one last day’ and ‘justifications/reasons for me using today’ are attached with the plan.
The natural tendency is always to give in of course, but giving in and using has become so much painful on their own. So, today when I got the cravings at 10 in the night, I called up an NA member I know, told him I was getting obsessions to use. Now, he didn’t give me any secret formula’s which will magically cure me but he did remind of things I already know, like my pathetic situation, after we chatted for a while, he told me to go and take a shower/bath with cold water and then take 2 Vitamin C tabs (I had bought em at his suggestion only) and eat something as well, I did as I was told for a change and the hold that cravings had on me did lessen indeed.

In a way, I have finally taken the 1st and second steps from the 12 steps of NA/AA. A very intelligent and experienced member I have met in the fellowship also told me that for me, since I am slipping in and out and have a whole lot of resentments and sorrow for the ‘what might have been’ s’, I must try and take and work the 12 steps instantly when I clean up, taking the 4th step in the first week itself. If that is what will set me free then I will do it, I also hope that I can do it

Returning to this day, 3 hours have passed since then in which I listened to some of my favorite old songs which were on TV (I cried while listening to some of them :o) and it did feel good). I thought I will try and put something-anything-it doesn’t matter what on paper and then I thought I will put it on this blog. At present I am experiencing hair raising anxiety which is quite severe, feeling restless as well and there’s mild head ache in my head. I have taken Asprin for the head ache, Ativan for the anxiety cum restless feelings cum sleep but both have not worked too well. I don’t know if I’ll get sleep but I’ll go to bed anyway hoping for the best but no matter what, I won’t/can’t use today, ‘can’t’ because the medicine pharmacy which gives me my stuff without prescriptions closes at 11 in the night anyway and I haven’t found any day-night medical for my stuff, so whether my head and body like it or not, they aren’t getting any more codeine or any substitutes today

So in essence my recovery has officially begin once more

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